Review: WotC’s “D&D Gaming Enhancer”

Will it enhance your game? We're dubious.

Will it enhance your game? We’re dubious.

Wizards of the Coast announced today a free enhancement for all 5th Edition Dungeons & Dragons players, but it’s not in the usual form of a free download. In fact, it’s different from any previous release the company has ever made.

The problem is, nobody is quite sure what to do with it.

“D&D Gaming Enhancer”, as the product is labeled, is a viscous green liquid designed to “make gaming better.”  Wizards of the Coast has opted to ship one gallon of the substance to every owner of the Player’s Handbook.

We asked the head of Dungeons & Dragons R&D team, Mike Mearls, for his comment. “Everybody just assumes the three core pillars of gaming are exploration, social interaction, and combat. They have no idea, but they will soon. Gaming Enhancer will change the way you do everything from now on. Absolutely everything. We realize that gaming, particularly in a campaign, can be something of an iterative process. We get that. That’s why we formulated D&D Gaming Enhancer to slowly marinate you as gamers and to bring out your true flavor as adventurers.”

When asked how Wizards would ship the Gaming Enhancer, when most users had not registered their address, Mearls just waved his hand and said, “I’ll let you in on a secret, sort of. It’s based on a technique for tagging cattle ranchers have used for over a decade. We just borrowed the technique and included it in the design of the book. It cost a little more, but the results will be outstanding – maybe even in leftovers. I can’t say more, though. Mystical marketing secrets.” He then laughed and waved his hands magically, as if a wizard.

Added Mearls, “You ever wait all day on Thanksgiving, smelling all the delicious food cooking, and then finally dinner arrives and it was totally worth it? That’s what we want D&D to be like.”

As to the effectiveness of this so-called “Gaming Enhancer”, we’re not so sure. We received a quantity of Gaming Enhancer to test for review purposes.

“I think it’s an April Fools’ joke,” said Critical Hits editor Dave Chalker, as he covered the entirety of his exposed flesh with the substance as the package instructed. “It just doesn’t seem like it does anything.”

Comments

  1. Dixon Trimline says:

    Man, all this time I’ve been creating my own game enhancer and smearing it all over myself, and now I find out there’s an official WotC version. Typical.

  2. green slime, folks … Green Slime!

  3. Smeared mine on the ceiling above the front door. It dropped on the first player through. He started complaining about a “tingling, burning sensation”, but boy did it smell great! It’s eroding the metal frames of his glasses, but his roleplaying has been at a new level today.

  4. Ivan Ooze infiltrated WotC?

  5. I have two PHB’s… Does that mean I get TWO gallons?! Yesssss….

  6. I’m pretty sure this is just hash oil:

    http://bit.ly/1FuNDjG

    See?

    I can attest that this is a genuine game enhancer, as my group in Colorado has been using it for nearly a decade to great effect! And not just with D&D! For best results, bake it into chocolate cake and try Land of Ogg. You’ll be screaming “VERISIMILITUDE!” at the top of your lungs and ‘bang’ing dinosaurs before you know it!