10 Epic-Level Problems Nobody Thinks About

Everybody thinks being powerful enough to slap-fight the gods themselves would be completely awesome. There’s a reason epic-level D&D breaks down. Actually, there are ten. And NONE OF YOU have thought of ANY of them. Unless you’re future epic-level me. In which case, you probably have.

1. Hygiene

I don’t care if you can move mountains with your epic elbows or travel effortlessly through time and space with your god-butt. You need to wash both, or you’re going to be epic-level disgusting. Since opponents typically scale with the PCs, these will be no ordinary corynebacterium or staphylococcus epidermidis. Epic-level heroes have to face down bacteria that resist all mortal soaps and could eat a Shetland pony within seconds. Most epic heroes have a special combat waterfall for these purposes, and have to quest monthly to find cleaning agents mighty enough to remove the beastly micro-organisms but gentle enough on skin to leave that epic glow.

Clipping epic nails is also a problem, and any instruments used to do so must be +3 or greater. There are epic emery boards available, but, as they are made of the hide of the World Serpent, Jörmungandr, they are in somewhat short supply. Especially on planes of existence without Norse gods.

2. Awkward Thanksgivings

Woe betide the fool who ascends to godhood at a family reunion. Does your family worship you now?

“Please pass the green beans, Sun Lord.”

Awkwarrrd.

Plus, your uncle Jorgen, half-blind with mead and the other half with politics, is inevitably going to try to push your buttons like he always does. Is it OK to smite him? What about your filthy heretic cousins?

What do you do if your mom worships you but still kicks you out of the house for smiting people?

3. Keeping Up With The Epic Joneses

Seldom do you see a laid-back epic hero. They’re badasses for a reason, and they prefer to be the biggest badass on the block (because the number of extradimensional threats that will come seeking a challenge is much smaller than the number who will be scared off by a mighty reputation.

Unfortunately, this means keeping up appearances. If Zagnar the warrior uses his mountain of accumulated platinum and builds a mighty fortess 200 feet tall out of skulls and living fire, then Ramulik the epic wizard neighbor feels compelled to a tower of  lemon-scented faerie glitter fire-ice 300 foot high and surrounded by a moat of breakdancing aboleths. Then Zagnar hires fire elementals with interior design degrees and Ramulik travels to the quasi-elemental plane of Feng Shui. Zagnar tears down his fortress and hollows out the inside of the world itself to live in, and Ramulik becomes a being of pure time so he can live in every single moment (and birthday party) anyone has ever experienced.

Eventually, everyone either hates their existence or dies. Of embarrassment.

4. You Can’t Use Comfortable Blankets After 23rd Level

Read the rules closely. I was shocked too.

5. Epic-Tier Pets Aren’t As Fluffy As Heroic-Tier Pets

When epic-level heroes were just children, they petted bunnies and kitties and puppies. Now that they’re older and super-powerful, they have what? Hippogriffs? Pygmy hydras?

And you can’t just go back down to the pet store in the city and get a dog. The dog will lose its damned mind when you take it home and one of your enemies attacks the fortress. It’ll see a monster with seven heads that speaks to it telepathically and it will flip out and dig all the way to the center of the Earth and Zagnar isn’t gonna have any dog food waiting. They’re not built for that. Cats won’t even go with you. They still think they’re superior. And bunnies simply disappear in the presence of magic. I know what you’re thinking. Magicians pull rabbits out of hats all the time, right? Those guys are charlatans.

6. Very Limited Restaurant Choices

Being epic-level takes a lot of calories. So many, in fact, that a high-level hero could eat mortal food all day and still starve. That’s why the gods have ambrosia. It’s supposed to be the most delicious thing in the multiverse. And it is, until you have it for every meal for 200 years. Then you’re like, trying to season it with oregano and maybe trying some hot sauce, but the fact remains that it’s still ambrosia. And you hate it.

That’s assuming you’re not allergic to ambrosia. Because then, you’re just hosed (regardless of whether you can die or not). Epic-level hives suck.

 7. Nobody Lets You Talk Normal Anymore

When you’re epic, you can’t just be all “Hey, I’m gonna head over to Waterdeep for some tacos.” Your voice booms like thunder. Cattle scatter and creatures under 3HD have to save vs. wetting themselves. Plus you just sound weird talking like that unless you’re questing for tacos. But you shouldn’t be eating tacos anyway. You have to eat your stupid ambrosia. AGAIN.

8. It’s Probably Not OK To Throw Parties

You’re going to invite everybody you know. And because you don’t get out much and only meet people at work, everyone will think the freaking world is ending. Especially if you have friends from the Abyss. Those dudes can party, but they have a way of possessing people and turning them into 50ft tall hulking flesh golems that dance the Macarena. On the other hand, their extraplanar Tequila is top-shelf.

Do us all a favor, and spare us the effects of Arraku, Pestilence Incarnate getting drunk and puking in the mouth of a nation’s freshwater supply. Spare us the Avatar of Nature getting tipsy and making out sloppily with a desert. Spare us the God of Fire trying to see if he can burn a whole city down by lighting epic farts.

Have a nice cup of ambrosia, and have a nice quiet evening by the fireside. With your cuddly pet neo-otyugh. For all our sakes.

9. Your Friends Will All Think You’re An Ass

Sure, you grew up together and they partied with you when you saved them all from a life of eternal servitude picking Underdark Bananas for a bunch of vegetarian Illithid. But now it’s 5 years later. You come home to visit, and tell your stories of vanquished dragons and princesses with questionable lifestyle choices, and they just roll their eyes. “What do you want, another parade? Get over yourself, hero! I’m making a derisive statement!”

They’re just jealous of your power and what you’ve become. You should crush them.

10. You Have To Wear A Funny Hat

You didn’t know you had to wear a funny hat? You must not really be epic, then.

Photo Credit

Comments

  1. Darn. I thought this was going to be a legitimate article instead of an april fools joke. Oh well.

  2. This made me smile – thanks!

  3. Fantastic.

  4. Awesome. Great job! XD

  5. I had trouble getting passed thankgiving dinner I was laughing so hard!!!

    Loved it!

  6. One of the best things this month, and not just because it’s a shorter month than the others. You rock.

  7. I hope 5th ed bring a little more balance to the equation. Just because you’re paragon shouldn’t mean you’re any more resistance to filth fever than anyone else. If you want to take feats or you have sensible class/race benefits that would justify resistance to disease, that’s fine, but level alone should not make a character immune to all of the horrors of lower levels.

  8. I liked this, good one :)

Trackbacks

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