One of my favorite things to do when I first realized the joys of roleplaying a character was to do a little something extra between sessions. A journal entry, battle haiku, drawings of creative taxidermy made from the corpses of random encounters — that sort of thing. As a DM, it never fails to bring a smile to my face when a player does something similar. Seeing a player’s investment in their character inspires me to make the same investment in that character’s story — and in turn, everyone’s story.
We have a new player joining our group, and her character debut is going a little differently than I’d seen before. I’ve seen detailed backstories written. I’ve never seen a player bring a list of demands that must be met if her character is ever to see the light of day. Of course, I accepted her terms. You see, she hadn’t played D&D before, and she never knew about the credo of the Evil DM — “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!”
I also don’t think she remembered that, as a card-carrying RPG blogger, I have the ability to hang her pathetic dreams like a piñata above hordes of slavering evil DM’s willing to accept the bitter tears of demoralized players as payment.* It doesn’t matter if her demands were primarily tongue-in-cheek. She must be crushed just in case.
So it is that I ask you, my gentle readers, to help me…. shall we say, fulfill my player’s demands. What better return on investment could she ask for?
If You Want To See My Character In-Game You Will Meet These Demands
Here’s the list of demands my player gave me:
1. The character can shift perceptions, (i.e. if a bad guy sees someone from the group, I can make them think it is a rock instead, or make them think a rock is fire.) Limitations being I have to be within sight of the person.
Granted. Her character now has the power to make people of evil alignment within her field of vision think any member of the party is a rock, or that a rock is fire. I’m not quite sure what this gains her in the long run. Moving rocks are pretty suspicious. Rocks that look like fire just make sad children with unrealized s’mores.
2. The character must have the equipment, training, and financial cash flow of Batman, claws of adamantium like Wolverine, and a Spidey sense.
Granted! The PC has all of Batman’s stuff and training, which are totally awesome. She even has billions and billions of dollars that yield more interest in five minutes than I’ll make all year. Unfortunately, the establishments in the Forgotten Realms that accept U.S. currency are rare. That, and fuel and power to run all the cool gadgets. I’m sure a deal could be brokered with the right wizard (assuming they accepted dollars), so maybe this works out OK.
(Edit: I realized later a much better solution to this. The PC has all of Batman’s equipment and money AND HE WANTS IT BACK.)
The PC also has adamantium claws, just like Wolverine’s! However, the PC does not have Wolverine’s healing factor. Using those claws renders the PC’s hands useless for 3 weeks each time.
The PC’s Spidey sense activates every time she is about to extend her claws.
3. The character will enter the storyline by putting a knife to a character’s throat, however it must be done in a storytelling manner that will not end in my character’s demise.
Granted! The character enters the game with a knife to her own throat. I really don’t know why she would do that. Maybe she knows something she doesn’t. Either way, unless she trips or suffers a sudden muscle spasm, I’m guessing this won’t end with her untimely death.
4. The character will have a flying immortal tiger with its immortality tied to the moon of a planet many many many worlds and dimensions away.
(I made my new player a little scared when I told her this one was the easiest of the lot.)
Granted! However, the tiger is 2″ long and lives in her digestive tract. If the PC does not eat steak every three hours, the tiger begins to consume her from the inside out. Don’t worry. It can’t die.
5. The character will be able to read minds, and is a 1200 year old day walking vampire.
Granted! However, the nature of her telepathy translates everything she hears into Entish, and it takes four days of constant concentration just to hear three words.
I’m not really sure how the PC lived as a vampire for an entire 1200 years walking out in the daytime — but, if that’s what she wants to do, who am I to stop her? I may have the player preroll another character to bring to the next session. You know, just in case.
6. The character has the magical power of Meta, and thus can meta-game at any time.
Granted! Funny, all the other PCs in our campaign seem to have this power too, and they wield it frequently. Weird….
7. The character will be an expert swords(wo)man with a focus on short swords and daggers, although the can handle broadswords with stunning efficiency.
Granted! The character will gender-swap every time (s)he picks up a sword or dagger, and cannot do lethal damage with a broadsword (but critically hits on a 15-20).
8. The character does not worship a deity, deities worship her.
Granted! The gods themselves worship the PC. However, she has upon her the burden of listening to the prayers of the gods themselves, and the weight of their reality-shaping requests and prayers squishes her mortal mind like a grape.
Also, the Raven Queen wants the PC’s job, so she shows up with a crowbar and busts the windows out of the PC’s car.
9. The character is a seductress, and uses her own knowledge and noble standing to convince people to do what she wants.
Granted, on the provision that invisible wooden stakes always hover 1′ behind her character just waiting for an uncomfortable roleplaying situation to occur.
10. The character has the power to conjure Voldemort, although he is weak against “The boy who lived” so should not be conjured in the Potter dimension.
Granted! Voldemort might be hot stuff in J.K. Rowlingsville, but this is the Realms. You bring your pale, no-nose, can’t even get a wand to listen to you weak sauce in here and it won’t be 5 seconds before Bigby slaps you around with his Pimping Hand. Elminster wouldn’t even accept you as a cleaning lady. These are hardcore, mana-hittin’ wizards. Word to your Leomund.
Besides, I get to control him and he really hates seductress vampires. Especially ones who are rich in useless currencies, take strolls at noon, and have a tiger eating them alive from the inside.
Need Evil Input
Sadly, I’m new at this whole evil thing. I am certain that I was not even remotely as evil as was probably necessary for this job. So, as I said before, I need a little help crushing these dreams lest a tiny shard of hope survives – ruining an otherwise perfect day.
If you would like to lend an iron boot, please do so in the comments. Your utter lack of human decency is appreciated and will be rewarded in due time.