We were spending the night in
an old, ruined school
after looting the place
seeking ammo and tools
A cardboard box we found today
marked “XMAS” then two thousand one
just what that meant no one could say
my hope was food or maybe guns
Inside was lots of sparkly stuff
a string of tiny colored lights
a fake tree, which bewildered us
one book of tales to read that night
“‘Twas the night before Christmas”
(or so the book said)
not an Ancient was stirring
(because they’re long dead)
The story inside was a tale borne of fear
of a telekinetic and eight mutant deer
who breaks into houses and steals people’s food
and mind-controls children to make them be “good”.
A red coat he wore, and with ludicrous speed
he travelled the whole world to do his heinous deeds.
A sack did he carry, with a rip in space-time
to store all his “presents” that controlled children’s minds.
The party was nestled all snug on the floor
and I took first watch, and I guarded the door.
Then what should I echolocate with my big dolphin head
but that evil red bastard, in a big flying sled!
Each of the party I screamed for by name,
pulled out my rifle, and took careful aim.
Suddenly then did the man disappear!
I ordered the android to cover the rear.
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the pawing of tentacles, talons, or (I suppose) hooves.
As we readied ourselves for a massive attack,
he fell through the roof, and lay flat on his back.
He clawed at his face as he shrieked in the night
and we smiled as we knew there would be no fight
It seemed fate had dealt us incredible luck-
the Red Bandit’s plan foiled by an Alpha Flux.
What used to be man, now made awful sounds
was now something hideous (yet jolly and round).
And then where there used to be torso and face
grew ten tiny reindeer, all vying for space.
And down in his pants was a terrible fight
(more reindeer, we hoped, or we’d shoot it on sight).
It all looked so joyous and furry and warm
the giant, fur-coat-wearing caribou swarm.
At last the mass rose and invaded our minds
and spoke to our brains in a voice strangely kind:
“We came here to give presents to everyone,
so would it be OK to lower your guns?”
We laughed at the deer-mass’s loaded request
and continued pointing our guns at its “chest”.
Though it was transformed and no longer a man,
it seemed that the Flux had not altered its plan.
My cohorts and I then considered his fate
(a fortnight of venison gracing our plates!)
but somehow his reindeery hive-mind did know
of the threat, and their noses then started to glow!
We dashed out the door as the building went boom
(barely escaping our fiery doom)
and what from the blazing school should appear
but a sled full of pants-wearing swarming reindeer!
And then over us he made one final run
and tossed out enough “presents” for everyone.
We realized our error as we watched them fall-
Genuine Red Ryder Fusion rifles for all!
We thanked the kind deer-swarm as it streaked away,
finally understanding the spirit of the day.
Then he spoke in our heads as he flew out of sight,
“Gamma Christmas to all, and we hope we’re all right!”