Solving The Sith Problem

Anakin Skywalker prepares for a night of extremely mundane sex.

Since the beginning of Galactic history, there has been the Force. Eventually, sentient beings learned to harness its power for the good of all civilization. Those who chose this path were known as Jedi, or “lightbringer”. Approximately fifteen minutes later, a Jedi decided he’d had enough and decided to not only rebel from the teachings of his Jedi master, but to go murder a busload of space nuns as the first step in a mad plot for galactic domination. This phenomenon proved to be uncomfortably common among Jedi, so much that the Jedi Order decided that there were in fact two sides of the Force — the Light Side and the Dark Side. It is not known at this time when the Jedi Order figured out that the Force was comprised of tiny microorganisms known as midichlorians, but experts speculate this occurred when Dark Jedi provided the Jedi Council with many freshly-killed Jedi for study. Allying with and eventually taking over the Sith pirate organization, these Dark Jedi took on cool names starting in Darth, meaning “bad mother watch your mouth I’m just talkin’ about”. Their last names were always chosen in a secret ceremony involving a great deal of alcohol and the ancient Sith incantation “you know what would sound bad ass”?

For hundreds of thousands of years, the Light and the Dark have clashed — spanning several wars and the deaths of billions of innocent bystanders. Both sides took heavy losses. The Light side was eventually weakened and made progressively more stupid to the point where they were hunted down to near-extinction by people who can’t shoot straight. The Dark side seems to have fared better, having been apparently deprived only of any moisturizing skin products. Therefore, I have studied closely the journey of many Dark Jedi down the road of corruption, and I have come to a simple conclusion:

The Jedi are idiots.

Consider, for a moment, a typical Jedi Padawan. They are found as children, and taught to suppress their emotion for fear they will turn to the Dark Side. This means no anger, no fear, and no strong emotional attachments (especially love). So now take this army of the socially and emotionally hamstrung and then arm them with laser swords, superhuman athletic abilities, and the ability to control minds. They are then sent all over the galaxy and placed into incredibly dangerous situations, putting them under an enormous amount of psychological strain, and then forbid them to so much as go on a date or have a BFF. We’re lucky the Star Wars saga isn’t all about The Galactic League of Super-Rapists vs. the (comparatively) heroic Sith.

The Jedi sit and meditate a lot. You’d think they’d have figured out the reason their pupils keep freaking out and going all chokey and shocky is because they’ve been repressed their whole lives. You’d think they’d figure out that perhaps people who haven’t been infected with mystical bacteria, even those in power, frequently do not try to take over the world when their girlfriend breaks up with them. But no, the Jedi Order likes to tell their students tales like “you can’t love anyone because this one time these two Jedi twins loved the same girl, and then they fought, and the whole planet blew up”. What better reason to let your students vent once in awhile than if they are giant bombs powered by repressed emotions? It’s SCIENCE, people.

Fortunately, since the entire Jedi Council was killed for being stupid, starting over will be easy. The new guy wasn’t raised by emotionally-crippling idiots (though he does get a little whiney at times and was trained hastily in a swamp by a Muppet). Let’s make sure new Jedi don’t wind up all screwed up by treating them like regular folk. Let’s let them have families. Sure, they’d be away for long periods of time. Just think of them as truckers who only carry one thing — AWESOME. Seriously, how much different would the prequels have turned out if Anakin hadn’t been denied anything but a secret relationship with Padme (provided they could get past that 20 year age difference)? They’d meet, fall in love, and then when Palpatine started going around spinning lies Anakin would just slice him up and serve him at the Jedi Holiday Banquet. Little known fact: the Jedi are cannibals, but they can only eat meat carved by a lightsaber. That’s why they use them instead of blasters. Do you think they let all that delicious hand-meat go to waste? Mace Windu’s famous Manual Chili begs to differ.

As for the existing Jedi, let’s take them out and get them laid. Let’s take them to a bar, making sure to tell them not to focus on the guy selling death sticks but instead to levitate a drink over to that hot Twi’Lek in the corner. Let’s let them shove their lightsabers into something besides a blast door. Let’s make sure a Light side Jedi never has to Force Choke anything ever again. Or we can get them therapy. But that doesn’t have any good double entendres.

Together, we can save the galaxy – one Jedi’s virginity at a time.

(Photo credit, and apologies to Chris Pirillo. )

Comments

  1. My brain just crawled out my left ear and hides in the gaming closet… I’m blaming you for this.

    But yes, I do agree that the Jedi, at least as portrayed by their creator, were stupid.

  2. Wookiee Daddiee says:

    My Star Wars campaign shall now be composed of long haul truckers carrying nothing but AWESOME! Thanks Vanir – loved it.

  3. Dixon Trimline says:

    This… is… EXCELLENT. I loved every word.

  4. Can’t disagree. I don’t think it was *intentional* by GL but you can bet I’m (and have in the past) used it as a concept in a Star Wars game.

    Basically the jedi order was so traumatized by the Great Sith War and the Jedi Civil War around 4000 BBY, they set themselves up for their fall at the rise of Palpatine. It was in fact the attachments that the Jedi were so afraid of that gave Luke the strength to defeat Palpatine and redeem his father, who had himself been utterly let-down by Official Jedi Policy.

  5. As the “Expanded Universe” of novels, comic books, cartoons, and games based on the “Star Wars” movies has shown, the Jedi order itself became more repressed and developed blind sides that helped the Sith take control of the galaxy. Qui-Gon was more compassionate than Obi-Wan, whose biting sarcasm made him a less-than-ideal mentor for impressionable Anakin. The pseudoscientific explanation of Midichlorians shows that the Jedi had become more interested in the mechanics and power of the Force than in diplomacy and defending life (or to use a gaming term, they became rules lawyers and power gamers).

    In the original film trilogy, it’s shown quite clearly that Luke’s bond with his friends and family is just as important as his Jedi training in defeating the Emperor. The Dark Side is seductive in its easy route to power, but even the Jedi must learn that there are more important things. In fact, balancing friendship with training as a warrior, mystic, or scientist is a recurring theme among space opera heroes, from “Dune” through “Star Trek.”

  6. After seeing The Phantom Menace, I was convinced that Anakin’s journey to the dark side would begin with him committing unconscionable acts while leading a slave rebellion to free his mother. To my mind, that would have been a much more interesting plot. Oh well.

  7. So… you’re saying that Jedi can be identified as the guy in the corner at a dance club muttering to himself, “Must… not…. fap…. must… not… fap….”?

    Sounds like a geek to me.

  8. How is it that it always has to come down to an obsession with penetrative sex?

    This could have been a hell of a laugh, but it all started to go downhill with “Super-Rapists”.

  9. @RMDC: Let’s be honest, doesn’t it always start to go downhill with “Super-Rapists”? 🙂

  10. If you meanby downhill, as in to gain steam, then yes. That’s when this started to get really funny.

    Like all the best humor, the logic is inescapable. Thank you.

  11. As the prequels continued I kept saying to myself “By the end of this these bastards are going to _deserve_ to get overthrown!” Though I am curious what spawned this post… wait… no, on second thought I don’t think I _really_ want to know 😛

  12. Jay in Oregon says:

    Michelle:
    That’s very close to my theory as to how it was going to happen.

    In my rewrite of the prequels, Anakin Skywalker would have been a bit of a Han Solo type; roguish and charming and willing to play fast and loose with the rules from time to time, but an honorable Jedi and a hell of a good pilot.

    Then he gets the premonitions about his mother being in danger. He goes back to Tatooine and tries to rescue his mother, but is too late. THEN you would see him start to fall apart. He’d blame himself for not being there for his mother, he’d get more reckless in combat until he nearly dies in a battle and ends up losing his hand. Shattered, he leaves Padme and goes off to search for answers.

    That’s when Palpatine and the dark side call to him. If Anakin embraces the dark side, he’d have the power to protect his friends and his family. He could make sure that no one could ever threaten the Republic again, so no more Jedi have to die.

    (Basically, I removed the whole Childe of Prophecy and sulky brooding aspect of the story, and made it a story of hubris leading to a great fall…)

  13. Jay in Oregon says:

    And a friend pointed me to a comic that makes the same point…

    http://www.shortpacked.com/2005/comic/book-1-brings-back-the-80s/05-now-in-technicolor/a-83/