Tales of Horror: D&D for TWEENS

Picture, if you will, a mysterious and terrifying future. The entire marketing team at WotC comes down with a mysterious illness, mostly for purposes of artificially strengthening the gossamer-thin threads of plot of this article. Additionally, every person with a marketing background in the entire world contracts it as well. This is completely plausible.

Regardless, WotC bravely soldiers on. WotC, having recently caused a stir among environmental groups over a controversial plan to convert any resource into mana and further taxing the world’s supply of fossil fuels, scraps their plan. However, it is secretly revived in order to ensure good holiday sales numbers, drastic measures needed to be taken, so they applied the technology to something far less inflammatory: 11 year old children.

No, they did not grind tweens up and collect their dust. That would have contaminated everything, and would have yielded more lawsuit mana than any other color. They simply rotated them all 90 degrees and told them to come up with the best ideas they could or else they would destroy the Jonas Brothers’ magic rings of chastity.

The results would chill even the most hardened adventurers’ blood.

  • Justin Bieholder
    Part terrifying monster from the darkest corners of the imagination, part pre-teen heartthrob, this creature just wants to be loved. That’s why eight of its eyestalks shoot powerful Charm spells. One eyestalk has evolved to hold a pen to sign autographs, and the remaining eyestalk shoots hairspray – which the monster needs a constant supply of. Unlike most dungeon-dwelling creatures, the Bieholder always surrounds itself with backup dancers significantly older than it is. All party members must save vs. Rap or be forced to join the monster’s entourage. The Bieholder is nigh-invulnerable and highly resistant to magic. The only sure way to defeat a Bieholder is to break up with it, which will not kill the beast, but will buy the adventurers 1d20 rounds of the monster crying in a pillow and writing song lyrics about the experience to use against future victims.
  • iBigby
    Forget what you know! Bigby’s back as a perky 14 year old girl with her own web show! Join iBigby and her best friend Otilucy as they explore the most terrifying dungeon of all: HIGH SCHOOL! Don’t miss the upcoming iBigby specials: iForgot My Homework Because I Use Vancian Magic and iDon’t Have A Date For Prom Because All I Can Cast Is Spells About Hands.
  • Hannah Undermontana
    The mad wizard Halaster finally unleashes his most terrifying creation to date: his 16 year old daughter! Torn between her desire to live life as plain old Haley, a normal peasant girl doomed to a life of manual labor, and superstar sorceress Hannah Undermontana, the world becomes distracted enough not to notice Halaster’s ulterior motive: to unmake reality via country music. Can he be stopped before he releases “Achy Breaky Wight”? Can Haley bring a boy home to meet her father in less than seven pieces? Can she balance her skills and feats to meet the needs of her real life and of her alter ego? Will she spend a daily power to take care of her pimples OR one of her friend’s pimples? Even though they have a crush on the same guy??!

I apologize if anyone soiled themselves.

Comments

  1. You had me at Hannah Undermontana.

    Also, don’t forget the hot social network for all gaming tweens: My5’Space. Coming soon!

  2. I think this can objectively be declared The Best Article. Excellent work.

  3. I’m not even sure if I want to know how much research you had to do to accurately parody those last two.

  4. I’d totally watch iBigby. I’m sure we’d have terrific time with my 12 y.o. son. πŸ™‚

  5. Starwind1985 says:

    …i think you just broke my brain…

  6. Vinicius ZΓ³io says:

    I laughing my ass off!!!!

    Come on, that was -golden-. This should become the theme for the next “The Gamers” movie! πŸ˜€

  7. Just awesome.
    πŸ™‚

  8. Hah. That is spot on. Someone must watch a lot of tween shows (and I guess that includes me for getting the references). πŸ™‚

  9. Actually, Hannah Undermontana could be an interesting hybrid or multiclass character concept.

  10. Actually this reminds of a Dragon Magazine a long time back. It had all the Looney Tunes characters in case you wanted to fight them. I’m sure all the dour faced gamers wearing glasses were staring at kids like me thinking… “KIDS!”

    Don’t forget Daffy Duck… 1D20 attacks per round, for 1 point each, automatic hit, random targets.

  11. For a Brief Moment, I thought we were looking inside Shelly Mazzanoble’s Head. Well played, good sir, well played.
    -Jared

    PS: As a someone who’s kinda of not in America & out of the loop….are you saying there are young boys that watch Hannah Montana? I kind of assumed all the Tween programming was…err…girl centric. So either this is Confessions taken to the next logical step or the US is a much darker place than I thought.

  12. @Jared Young boys do indeed watch Hannah Montana, but somehow I think they watch it with a different focus than young girls do.

    My prediction is that in about 8 years, the most popular ‘adult’ search is going to involve girls that can change their hair color. Or maybe it will just involve wigs. I’m not really sure about this part of it.

  13. Its a good idea. I think that its absolutely correct. Thanks for sharing the post.
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