Before today’s featured presentation, allow me to present the trailer for this year’s Roleplaying For The Severely Disturbed with StupidRanger.com event from Gen Con. It is an hour and a half long. We realize this is a little long for a trailer, but we wanted to give our readers a faithful representation of the actual event, if they were so inclined to watch it.
And now, for the main course:
I’ve spent the majority of my blogging career trying to figure out how to make it easier for people to roleplay better. To get them emotionally invested in their characters. To make them feel and act as their character might. To dance into the danger zone where the dancer becomes the dance. I believe I have finally discovered the secret to doing so:
The Lifetime Movie Network.
Who better understands the human condition than the people who prepare us for the worst life could ever throw at us with their delightful training films? I now have deep insight into how to cope with discovering that I have a secret baby while a serial killer stalks me trying to steal my face. If, in my work as a traveling nanny, one of my clients has an invisible child, I am prepared.
Therefore, I propose a series of similar films be created for gamers. Imagine the unbridled freedom. Nobody is invested in their characters now because there’s no real sense of peril with the mere threat of simple death, dismemberment, undeath, conversion into ettin feces, demonic possession, and banishment to other planes.
These are nothing compared to the sanity-destroying terror of discovering that the mind flayer you shared one night of passion with had your half-Illithid love child and that now grown child is now a fireman, your home is on fire and your wife is sure to recognize your eyes above his tentacle-nubs. THAT is true terror.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Imagine having to plan the double shotgun wedding for long lost hobgoblin sisters. Imagine being a wight with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. What if your character’s son had a crippling addiction to drawing cards from the Deck Of Many Things to feed his drug habit? What if you woke up from a coma and discovered all your body parts had been replaced with body parts of Vecna – and your husband, intimidated by your newfound power, doesn’t find you attractive anymore?
If you are not weeping uncontrollably by this point, you should get yourself checked out. You are probably malfunctioning, ROBOT.
Other possible titles:
- Warforged and Pregnant
- Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Addiction To Methamphetamines
- Prom Night Mummy Rot
- His Mistress’s Daily Power
- In Love With A Police Gnoll
- Holy Avenger: The Source Of My Paladinhood Is The Idiot Little League Umpire
- Divine Teen, Arcane Father
- Mindflayer, Homeflayer (with Delta Burke)
- Circle of Lycanthropy: The Wererat’s Mistress’s Wereboar Lover’s Weresnake Mistress’s Friend with Were-Benefits
All we need now is Bigby’s Press-On Nails, Otiluke’s Everlasting Quart of Chubby Hubby, and Leomund’s Negative Gender Stereotypes.
My work here is done. Enjoy the revolution.