Lost Words of Power

Greetings, travellers! I bring to you the lost arcana of the ages. Words of power not found in any spellbook!

  • Power Word: Buttons – A powerful multipurpose spell, this can either summon an incredibly powerful kitten, or cause a PC’s fly to come undone with such force that it rips a hole through the Planes themselves. In the latter case, the player should roll percentile. On a natural 00, two buttons fly into Ravenloft and infiltrate Strahd’s favorite tuxedo. They eventually overthrow him and become the cruelest entities the multiverse has ever known. Don’t laugh. You know not the evils that lurk in the mind of a button.
  • Power Word: Agnew – Spiro Agnew appears and destroys everything in a 1 mile radius with waves of fraud and anachronism, except for PC’s under the age of 30, who behave as if affected by a Sleep spell. Unless, of course, they have ranks in Knowledge(U.S. History). They die first.
  • Power Word: Broccoli – The party dies of nutrition. All characters in the immediate vicinity must save or receive 1d8 points of education damage about the four food groups. Any player who mentions the food pyramid is sentenced to death by Mulligan Stew.
  • Power Word: Femur – One of target character’s legbones becomes sentient for 1 turn, and is privy to many of the secrets of the universe. Unfortunately, no means of communication has been developed for femurs thusly affected. Polymorphing test subjects into femurs in attempts to make contact have only resulted in uncomfortable stories to be brought up at the annual Mages’ holiday party after a few drinks.
  • Power Word: Detassel Perhaps the most popular spell among teenage wizards in the plains. Also fun at parties.
  • Power Word: Kegel The other enemies may not even know the spell was cast. The target definitely will.
  • Power Word: To Your Mother All characters within earshot take 4d20 ice damage. The caster dies and cannot be resurrected because the gods now hate him. Forever.

P.S. All of these are completely legal At-Will powers in 4th edition, usable by any class. And farmers. Also, ducks.

Photo by Katkrieg, someone who deserves to be hired as an art director at WotC immediately. WTF people? Power Word: Hire!


  1. Spiro Agnew: the only vice president to be jealous of his own name.

  2. In my mind, Spiro Agnew will always be remembered as someone whose both first and last names, taken individually, would be a great name for a Greyhawk mage.

    I guess the same applies to our current President.