The KFC Double Down – The End of Humanity

O Humanity, I always knew you would bring about the end of yourselves. Not by war, or nuclear fire, or grey goo. Not even by capricious use of antibiotics do you bring your end. Nay, your end is far slower. Far rounder. Far more…. corpulent.

Our race has bravely survived such threats before: the coming of the Dread Arches, the Lich-King of Burgers, even a burger so terrifying that even the other burgers branded it a Monster. Yet we still stand (albeit in roomier battle-pants). This spring, everything changed. On the twelfth of April in the year two thousand and ten, KFC unleashed its greatest creation: the KFC Double Down. Simple is its payload: two breaded boneless chicken breasts, cheese, bacon, and some sort of evil mayonnaise to make it (and humanity) go down that much easier.

Yet, it is not the Double Down itself that will destroy us. Nay, it is what it represents.

Through all previous crises, humanity was simply enticed by value. More food for a higher price. This upping of the serving-size ante continued until 2004 when the Arches seemingly suffered a crisis of conscience and eliminated their Super Size choices from their menu in lieu of a more reasonable Large. Though the actual fat intake was only a few grams lower and it is widely thought the Arches were only doing this as a public relations manuever, humanity’s death clock was nevertheless set back five full minutes. The Double Down seeks not only to move the Death Clock forward those five fateful minutes, but also to overclock it. Death may be the only fast thing humanity ever does again.

BEHOLD! The abomination eschews bread, known for centuries as the only part of the sandwich typically not fried in something. The victim is forced to grasp the destroyer directly by its fell meats, poisoning the soul, damning the consumer forevermore. For now it is proven that a man’s dignity is not greater than his carnal lust for fried food, and his willpower not even enough to lift a finger toward a napkin. Now they have us – and, despite their greasy talons, they will not let us go.

Woe betide us! The seventh seal is broken, and Fatnarok begun. The seas will run nuclear green with Dew, and the dead will wake, but be unable to rise from their graves. The world-serpent Jörmungandr will finally begin to consume his own tail, and discover he is incredibly caloric.

We are undone. Soon also will be the seams on our pants – and our lives. This is the flavor of our end.

(Photo courtesy http://www.flickr.com/photos/djjewelz/4509710783/ and, no doubt, copyright the dread KFC.)

Comments

  1. The Masked Ferret says:

    The sad thing is, despite the horror of its bacon and chicken-fried goodness, is that there are traditional burgers out there (and some premium salads!) that are worse for you than this monster.

  2. According to this article:

    http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/2010/04/double-down-by-numbers-unhealthiest.html

    There are burgers (and salads) with more fat, sure, but they also contain healthy things like protein, iron, vitamins and fiber. On a calorie by calorie basis, the Double Down is king of emptiness. It provides almost no nutritional value and will not leave you satisfied or feeling “full”. It’s the ultimate junk food.

    The funny thing is, the fried version is slightly more healthy because at least you get a little bit of fiber from the breading.

  3. The unhealthy nature of this sandwich is actually not as bad as you might think, despite the reactions of the media. A Whopper is much worse for you…but no one goes after it like the hunt for the KFC sandwich has gone. Of course neither of them is really a GOOD choice for regular consumption.

  4. Matthew says:

    I think that its the sheer unbridled ostentatiousness of the Double Down that has people all gobsmacked. It just begs for hyperbole… and lo, the Inter-Tubes delivers once again.

  5. OOOOOOOOOOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

    I face my fate with gusto.
    .-= Andy´s last blog ..About Storytelling =-.

  6. So… I’m normally the type to be pedantic for the sake of pedantry, but I actually bring this up because it amuses me…

    A typical grilled cheese sandwich is coated with butter on the outside and heated up… Butter is an oil. In other words, in a grilled cheese, one of the most common sandwiches, the bread is in fact fried.

    So… yeah, even the bread’s not safe for frying.

    And now it occurs to me that a deep-fried grilled cheese sandwich would be freaking amazing.
    .-= Asmor´s last blog ..Adventurer’s Vault 2 added to Quartermaster =-.

  7. @Asmor: A Monte Carlo is in fact a Deep-fried Cheese and Ham Sandwich. Bacon is optional.

  8. Asmor & Phil: When Bennigans was still in business (around our area), the Monte Cristo was a deep-fried sammich with some amazing raspberry dipping sauce, and it was AMAZING.

    Vanir: I tried one a couple of weeks ago, okay actually I ordered one a week before THAT but our local KFC was sold out. That’s right, sold out of them. The day I actually got mine, 3 other people ordered them while I was waiting in line. These things are, apparently, selling like crazy. It was pretty good, but I found myself actually desiring some bread on it instead. There was (impossibly enough) almost too much meat! 😀

  9. Taellosse says:

    One of my friends bought one of those things for his dinner at our last game session. He said it was so nasty he couldn’t finish it after 2 bites, and he threw it away. Lucky for him, he’d bought a back-up sandwich for just such an eventuality.

    If it had come out a year ago, I might have tried one, just to see. But I’m trying to lose about 25 pounds right now, and that’s not the sort of meal I need to be having.

  10. I want to try one, but I’m afraid. This monster, I’m sure, is of a much higher level than I am, and would surely dominate me forever.

    For now, I refuse this quest, but she still beckons…

    -Tourq
    .-= Tourq´s last blog ..Quetsen Sisten, the Loyal Slave – Steal this Background =-.

  11. Chatty, you always seem so knowledgeable about anything bacon-related. I wonder why that is… 😉
    .-= Asmor´s last blog ..Adventurer’s Vault 2 added to Quartermaster =-.

  12. @Asmor: Let’s just say that all the other cool portefolios and domains were already taken.

  13. CrowOfPyke says:

    I am actually aghast at the ill-informed nature of this article. There is more fat and calories in many of the *salads* you order in restaurants. Is it as healthy as some other foods you might eat, like fruits and veggies? No, of course not. But is better than any burger you might eat, even a burger you cook up yourself – you are going to get more fat, carbs, and sodium out of red meat than you ever will from chicken.

    And if you are truly worried about the fat content of the KFC Double Down sandwich, order the version with *grilled chicken* instead of original fried chicken and the fat is cut in half and the calories and sodium content also take a significant drop.

  14. Elderon Analas says:

    I take pride in the fact that I eat at least two or three cows WHOLE for my meals, and even I would think twice about eating THAT THING (its name is not worth mentioning). Though I do need to lose about a ton mabey a ton and a half, and THAT THING is not for me. I’ll just stick to my cows and long flights through the dessert. Untill our paths cross again.

    • Here at Critical Hits, we always try to provide our readers with the most current and accurate health and nutrition information available*. You should be able to follow all our advice and live to be at least 175 years old. Nations rise and fall based on compliance with our dietary guidelines. Old and busted: Dr. Sanjay Gupta. New hotness: Vanir.

      * from a magic leprechaun that speaks to Vanir when he sleeps

  15. josephdelapens says:

    I agree with elderon. I would rather have a whole cow then sink my teeth in to that KFC abomination. On second thought, maybe we humans should eat these things. All we do is kill each other. Might as well go with a bang.