I’ve Had Enough

dd-event1I can no longer stand idly by, party to a fraud perpetrated on our readers.Taking advantage of the fact that I’m the only writer on duty right now, hoping that my treason goes undetected long enough for word to spread, I make my stand.It is with a heavy heart that I admit my role in the greatest gaming scheme since card counting at Blackjack.I, for one, will come clean.Long ago, TheGame and Bartoneus entrusted me with administrative capabilities during times in which they were away.I mean to use that now, in an attempt to wipe the slate clean.

Wizards of the Coast, a squalid subsidiary of Hasbro, paid us thousands, tens of thousands to shill their insipid, uninspired, completely boring gaming product: Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition.When I accepted my share of the first bribe I eased my conscience with simple logic: no one could possibly believe our overly laudatory praises.Surely, the gamers out there would see through our thinly veiled ‘logic’ and pounce on the problems that riddled system.I believed I was, essentially, accepting money for an action that would influence no one.

Then, my faith in humanity crumbled.Our round table reviews, so obviously contrived in their excitement, so predictable in their minute criticisms, garnered enthusiastic support. People believed our schlock.The law school debts mounted.The money rolled in.  Wads of hundred dollar bills were wasted on Miami strippers and pure unadulterated Colombian cocaine.My conscience would eat away at me, but when the last stripper left, I’d check my email and see another offer from Wizards of the Coast to write positively about their product.And I did it.Over and over and over and over again.

So, now I confess.Critical-Hits, is, was, and always will be a thinly veiled corporate shill.I don’t regret writing positive reviews for a product, that’s just a job.What I regret is taking part in a conspiracy that sought to create “blog buzz” that was not real, that should have never been real, nor will ever be real.

This is TheMainEvent, admitting that Critical Hits was instead, a big damn Critical Failure of integrity.

(and of course, this was an April Fool’s Day joke for those coming in late)

Comments

  1. HA! I always suspected this. In fact, in just a few more days and my team of PIs would of found out the truth. They are probably going through your rubbish as I write.

    Now repent and write out 100 times:

    There is no D&D but OD&D

    Chris Tregenza´s last post: #Twitterville – Looking Good (or Bad)

  2. You really shouldn’t have posted that here… now Wizards will have to kill us all! Oh, I already hear the black helicopters approaching…

    Stargazer signing out.

    Stargazer´s last post: Rock’n’Roll

  3. Shame on you, Mr. Game…deceiving us all out of our hard-earned internet dollars just so you could start a collection of hooker heads in your freezer…you’ve shaken my foundation of reality, sir…I don’t even know who I am anymore, and apparently neither does your evil website which seems to think I’m someone else…

    Reverend Mike, out…

    Bartoneus´s last post: on trickery and reflexivity

  4. I’m way cuter than you boys, where’s my tens of thousands of $$???

    Geek’s Dream Girl´s last post: Poll & Comment Fest: Making Sweet Love To Your DM – Conflict of Interest?

  5. Who authorized this? Why can’t I edit it? Don’t you know I need this money for diamond covered PHBs and enough hookers to run a game with? YOU’VE RUINED MY LIFE

    *sob*

  6. While my alter-ego might be ashamed of Dave, I am very angry with The Main Event for spoiling this whole thing. Dave’s already hitting the bottle pretty hard and spending the money he has left on cheap asian hookers…DON’T YOU SEE YOU’RE RUINING HIS LIFE?!?!

    *drives away in his Porsche*

  7. “Enough hookers to run a game with.”

    Somehow I never thought I’d hear that phrase. 😀

  8. Huh guys, I’m sorry to barge in on your crumbling Bromance but I’ll let you know that even if the secret is out, I’ll still want my cut to host your sorry excuse for a sellout website.

    Otherwise I’ll start spewing the really juicy stuff of this charade that is our little Cabal of RPGBloggers.

    We understand each other, Yes?

    The Chatty DM´s last post: Comment on Under New Management by ChattyDM

  9. Nerd Gone Bad says:

    Getting paid to write blog “reviews” (positive of course) is pretty common. With more and more eyeballs going online marketers and advertisers have to adjust. Everyone who reads this blog (or any blogs) already knows this. *yawn*, business as usual.

    There are also people who’s jobs are just to post comments and create discussion in the blogosphere/forums too.

    It’s not tens of thousands though, you’re really embellishing there. Probably more in the nature of hundreds mebbe. Amirite? 🙂

  10. Great, I can’t even keep my band “Crumbling Bromance” going now. If I don’t have my career as a corporate shill or emo band frontman, what else can I possibly do?

  11. The Main Event says:

    @Nerd Gone Bad: Right now I’m engaged in Hackers: The Movie style maneuvers to keep the other editors locked off the page, so I’ll to make this quick.

    We have each made many thousands of dollars. The size of each paycheck varies, but you’re right, the normal pay is about $900 bucks or so. However, we post quite frequently, so it all adds up! Just be sure to tell all your friends and flame the ENWorld and WotC boards about this. Don’t let my blogging career die in vain!

  12. Ishcumbeebeeda says:

    If it makes you feel any better I never bought it anyway. In either sense. I just pirate all my gaming books! YAY INTARWEBS! (I have probably every 3.5 book made(and most of the 4.0), all for free! And 3.5 is more fun anyway.)

  13. Please, PLEASE just ignore this whole thread. We’re resetting all of the admin stuff soon and rest assured TME is gone after a stunt like this.

    GONE.

  14. I’m resetting the IP and routing it through my DNS relay switch proxies, which I’ll be able to finish after navigating through this graphical dungeon of computer security using a joystick. Then I’ll be able to remove this offending post and get things back on track, reviewing Arcane Power without reading it and giving it 11 out of 10 possible stars.

    In the meantime, it seems to be catching pirates who admit to their wrongdoing so that I can report them to my corporate masters for big bucks… my life is back on track!

  15. A message from the gods, sirs:

    Tell C-H that I’ve got a new gaggle of hookers (groups of hookers are indeed called gaggles, like geese), and that a bed of the finest cocaine is waiting for them up here in Seattle… all we ask is for one more neutral to positive product review…

    Deep Throat, via Geek’s Dream Girl´s last post: MSL: Success Stories

  16. Who needs the money and hookers? Didn’t you hear, we sell out just for review books!

    WotC says to first one to silence the squealer gets an early copy of Arcane Power!

    Nicholas´s last post: Chatty’s Mailbag: Playing 4e with only 1 player

  17. @Nicholas: Wait, did you turn down the money and hookers? Why would you do that?! I assume you turned down the cocaine also…I guess we should be thanking you, leaving more for us to enjoy!

  18. The Main Event says:

    Everything in this article was a joke, but regarding the comments: I think Crumbling Bromance may be our Rock Band when I move back to Maryland.

  19. Crumbling Bromance is an AWESOME band name.

    Geek’s Dream Girl´s last post: When Worlds of Warcraft Collide: Should You Raid With Your Loved Ones?

  20. Wee! Another free idea sold!

    The Chatty DM´s last post: Comment on Open Game Table RPG Blog Anthology by Nicholas

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