I can no longer stand idly by, party to a fraud perpetrated on our readers.Taking advantage of the fact that I’m the only writer on duty right now, hoping that my treason goes undetected long enough for word to spread, I make my stand.It is with a heavy heart that I admit my role in the greatest gaming scheme since card counting at Blackjack.I, for one, will come clean.Long ago, TheGame and Bartoneus entrusted me with administrative capabilities during times in which they were away.I mean to use that now, in an attempt to wipe the slate clean.
Wizards of the Coast, a squalid subsidiary of Hasbro, paid us thousands, tens of thousands to shill their insipid, uninspired, completely boring gaming product: Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition.When I accepted my share of the first bribe I eased my conscience with simple logic: no one could possibly believe our overly laudatory praises.Surely, the gamers out there would see through our thinly veiled ‘logic’ and pounce on the problems that riddled system.I believed I was, essentially, accepting money for an action that would influence no one.
Then, my faith in humanity crumbled.Our round table reviews, so obviously contrived in their excitement, so predictable in their minute criticisms, garnered enthusiastic support. People believed our schlock.The law school debts mounted.The money rolled in. Wads of hundred dollar bills were wasted on Miami strippers and pure unadulterated Colombian cocaine.My conscience would eat away at me, but when the last stripper left, I’d check my email and see another offer from Wizards of the Coast to write positively about their product.And I did it.Over and over and over and over again.
So, now I confess.Critical-Hits, is, was, and always will be a thinly veiled corporate shill.I don’t regret writing positive reviews for a product, that’s just a job.What I regret is taking part in a conspiracy that sought to create “blog buzz” that was not real, that should have never been real, nor will ever be real.
This is TheMainEvent, admitting that Critical Hits was instead, a big damn Critical Failure of integrity.
(and of course, this was an April Fool’s Day joke for those coming in late)