At this point I feel it is necessary to provide an explanation of one of our title blocks for the site. Many of you, particularly outside of a specific group of people with which we associate, may be quite confused and simply take little note of it. The truth is that that banner represents the deepest fear and utter disparity for many of my friends.
First I will delve into the details of the banner’s history. In the fantastical world of Dungeons & Dragons there exists a book, a ‘manual’ of sorts, which elaborates on the anatomy and sexual preferences of every creature that lives and dies in the worlds of D&D, we’ll call these ‘monsters’. This “Book of Beasties” has within its contents two such ‘monsters’ which are of no specific import on their own.
The first of which is the Umberhulk. This monster is rather large and very insectoid in body and mannerisms. They like to live in caves and dark places, and to chase after and devour small female mages that run around their caves while invisible. They have large forearms for better smashy, and razor sharp pincers for the crunching of squishy things that they inevitably should eat rather then attack aimlessly and then discard. Not too terrifying a beastie, yet it is said in parallel (and demented) dimensions there are Umberhulk which reach the size of buildings and are utterly indestructible through mortal methods. That kind sucks, and it’s a good thing we’re not talking about them here.
The second ingredient in this dire equation is a creature called a Bullette, pronounced most often with a completely offensive French accent. The Bullette’s actions and appearance of granted it the nickname “Land Shark”, as it has a large crest on its back and travels through earth as if it were water. Also being a very large monster, these Land Sharks are very tricky, living beneath the surface of the world, preying upon anything foolish enough to tread within its territory. They are not, however, happy to have their heads severed and then shat into, followed by a tailor sewing the fecal-grenade shut and then having their decapitated head-o-crap flung at their friends. I figured that out the first time I ran into them, which also happened to be the first time I tasted the bliss of a Chaotic Neutral existence.
Now the real chaos begins. Ancient texts refer to it only in utter terror and awe, aged travelers beyond their prime think of it only in their darkest nightmares, and we laugh about it frequently because if we don’t it makes us wet our pants. Of what I speak is, naturally, the dreaded Umber-Bullette. This terrifying combination of nasties is the worst enemy of all people in existence, ever. Umberhulk society, being largely ‘cave’ based and insect-like, has over time grown to enslave the Bullette race. The first sighting of an Umberhulk riding a Bullette was years ago, when a band of Umberhulks held up the local 7-11 and fled the scene with amazing speed, most likely on a sugar rush from too many slushies. The torn up pavement and massive amounts of insect “goo” pointed to the collaboration of these two nefarious creatures. Yet it seems that they rode single file, to hide their numbers.
Never would we have suspected that an Umberhulk would mount, much less use in a drive-by shooting, a monster such as the Bullette. This terrifying combination practically ran the Aes Sedai underground syndicate of organized crime, and single handedly they leapt to the top of the cocaine racket in Hobbiton. Nowadays they are both feared and respected; despite a single Umber-Bullette having a challenge rating well in excess of 50, their benevolence as rulers of the United Nations has led to a peaceful coexistence of Human and Umber-Bullette. Many attempts have been made by modern society and Hollywood to capitalize on the success of the Umber-Bullette, to little avail. The Tarrasque-Bullette ended only in sorrow and Land-shark splattered paparazzi, while the Bob Dole-Bullette campaign managed to boost his popularity in the last election, he could not compete with the terrific trio of Ben Affleck riding an Umberhulk riding a Bullette.
The reign of the Umberhulks riding Bullettes was cut short, however, with the formation of PET-B, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Bullettes, which put a cease and desist on all taming and riding of Bullettes except in the entertainment industry under supervised and protective limitations. These laws generated greater demand for day-time TV soap operas like ‘That’s my Bullette’ and ‘Bullettes of Our Lives’, which serve as window into the painful history of these nearly extinct creatures, which are now kept in specialized zoos and reserves around the world, bred in captivity to prevent future mounting, especially by an Umberhulk.